Stop Saying “Thank You”, it’s Rude

3 minute read

I’m trying to not say “thank you” anymore. I used to think I was such a great person and spreading so much appreciation by telling everyone “thank you”, but I wasn’t.

“Thank you” is actually:

• Lazy
• Guarded
• Inauthentic
• Disinterested
• Ironically shows a lack of gratitude

You don’t believe that, I know. I’ll convince you quickly. Example: you’re finishing your meal at a restaurant, hand the payment to the waiter and and tell them one of the following:

A: Hey, I just want you to know: you are excellent at your job. This was just the experience I needed after a hard day. You made my life better.

Or

B: Thank you

Read over my previous list about gratitude again please.

• Lazy: “thank you” took absolutely no effort in comparison
• Guarded: it shared nothing personal
• Inauthentic: although you’re expressing gratitude, one might seriously wonder what exactly you’re grateful for… if anything, really
• Disinterested: in comparison, “thank you” actually conveyed “go away, I have nothing to say to you”
• Lack of gratitude: if the waiter’s work actually impacted you for the better at all and you were actually swelling with gratitude, surely you could have managed to convey what exactly they did, how it was beneficial, or why it mattered to you.

But even in the best of circumstances, what does “thank you” mean? It’s “I want you to know: you’ve done well and I appreciate it”.

Just saying that is better. Eg to the waiter, instead of “thank you”, you could improve it with no additional thought by just saying what the phrase is meant to mean: “I want you to know: you’ve done well and I appreciate it.”

And that’s giving no extra thought.

It can be improved by giving a positive judgement: “you’re good at your job.” I used to avoid any judgement statements, even positive ones, figuring I wasn’t actually certain if they’re good at their job or not, and I didn’t want to be inauthentic. And although just sticking to the facts is accurate, it’s not what people crave to hear. They don’t just need objective reality (“you accurately remembered our requests and ensured our waters weren’t ever empty”) they want someone to confirm their identity as an acceptable, good human. Might it not be entirely true? Maybe they served well this time, but they’re horrible the rest of the time? Well, if that’s the case, they’re well aware of their shortcomings. Having you say they’re good at their job will, even if they’re skeptical, get them thinking “you don’t really know if that’s true, I’m usually horrible at this”, you’ve at least planted the idea “they think I’m a good waiter. Maybe I could be, despite previous mistakes.” Your positive judgement is something they weren’t certain of; the facts they already knew.

Your gratitude could also be better expressed by saying how you’ve been impacted. “This was just the experience I needed…” Sharing a little of your experience and perspective sheds more light on the reality of what they’ve done, making your gratitude more understandable and believable.

Adding something personal in there, “…after a hard day”, confirms to both of you your humanness and strengthens the bond between you. Being vulnerable like this might not always be safe emotionally, but it communicates trust, and everyone likes to feel trustworthy.

Now, will you always have time to share a thoughtful paragraph instead of a simple “thank you”? I think you usually will. It takes thought to, so you might need to pause and actually think about how this waiter did well and why it mattered to you. In other words, take a moment to experience the gratitude before trying to express it. And if your train is leaving and you don’t have time come up with something meaningful, I’d still avoid a generic “Thank you”, maybe one of these go-tos will get the job done quickly but better:

• You did well!
• You made my day better!

But as you break the habit of mindlessly saying “thank you” it gets easier. Your brain muscles that you’re working will get stronger.

And as you’re taking time to experience and express the specifics of your gratitude, you’ll also be better at expressing it.

So why avoid saying “thank you”? It doesn’t just benefit the recipient of your gratitude, it benefits you and you’ll actually be more grateful.

Last caveat: I don’t think it’s really rude to say “thank you”. That’s not how we mean it 99% of the time. But it does a pretty bad job of expressing gratitude, it turns out.

But do please try to stop saying “thank you.”